Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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