you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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