You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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