listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Fuck appropriateness.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
