Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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