Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
