i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Sorry about my life...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
