Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I would ride that face into the sunset
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