last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
