This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
