I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
