So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
