this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize