i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
