If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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