What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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