It's like God shit irony all over that family
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
