I just threw up on my dentist
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
