i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
