Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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