I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
