i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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