I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
