I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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