I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
