I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
