I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
It was confusing and full of hummus
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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