I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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