before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
