I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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