Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
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