I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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