My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
