Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You pole danced in your parka.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
