I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
