I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
