mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
