It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
