Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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