Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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