I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
