So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize