Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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