Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
