Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize