He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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