shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
