Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
