After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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