i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize