I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
