I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
