I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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