I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
