that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Randomize
