I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
