I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
