I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
